No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I know this now 😂
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while