ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*