can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.