Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
58.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…