Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
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online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake