What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
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I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
tell em, edith-anne
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.