[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
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‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
😂😂
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Aaaa…CHOO!
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.