*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
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5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.