Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up