“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
White parent Vs Arab parents
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.