When a shoelace touches your ankle
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Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
#oldknees
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
mechanics be like
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly