Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
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King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.