when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
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My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.