Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
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me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
With this onion ring, I thee fed
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
He took my last fry, your honor
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.