HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
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I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?