The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.