someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
You Might Also Like
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.