I will never stop laughing at this
You Might Also Like
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
#TopTip
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.