The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.