OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
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When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.