Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
*gets down on one knee*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”