Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
You Might Also Like
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.