me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
It do be feeling this way.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
#Thanos #MondayMood