me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
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ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Welcome to the stomach
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
SPLOOT
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture