*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
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Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.