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You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!