Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.