Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
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In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.