HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on