My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
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I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Buck naked
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.