Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
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nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
*pronounces fake like saké*
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.