[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Life is a suicide mission.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.