My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
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Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Meowchelangelo
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My background check bounced.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too