I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
😂💯
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.