Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
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Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I love the National Park Service.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
#CatsOnTwitter
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME