[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
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With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
This will never not be funny to me.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.