My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Current mood: Potato
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.