My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
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I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Me recordaron éste meme