The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
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*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.