I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
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If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Nice try, NASA
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?