My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
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You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree