i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
You Might Also Like
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
new year update: losing everything but weight
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
decorating my apartment
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”