You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
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my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Catercrombie & Fish
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
A tragic love story in two pictures.