On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
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2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
$3 #books
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.