Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
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There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
i will not be silenced
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.