Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
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[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.