INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
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It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Just me?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.