If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
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What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Solving a traffic jam
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”