Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
You Might Also Like
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
The news in a nutshell.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.