I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
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True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Mmmm canned fish.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.